Hi.
This site ruins children's books.
This site is a sort of commentary in the form of parody.
This site is not for children.
Children are cool & fine & good, & so are many of the myriad books written & illustrated for them to look at & learn to read from & delight in & build wondrous imaginations through.
We wish all children's books authors & illustrators luck, & we thank them for their diligent service in shaping the minds of our most precious resource:
silk.
no, it's children, of course.
Getting that out of the way, this site is for anyone who's ever read a children's book & thought:
Hey, that's really horribly written,
or,
Jesus Christ this little bunny is a whiny malcontent,
or,
Why is the dinosaur befriending the goose & not devouring it face-first,
or,
Holy shit, this book is utterly devoid of any truly clever or entertaining content - even for an 11-month-old - & I'd rather stick my toes in one of those over-priced, high-powered smoothie blenders that you drunkenly buy on Amazon late one Thursday night because it showed up earlier in the day promoted in your Facebook feed when you were scrolling at work instead of responding to Richard's email about whether Sheila's lack of communication on the Mobile-platform issue is owed to her not being happy with the prototype or if it's just that she hasn't seen it yet because she's a lazy, inconsiderate, incompetent project manager, & you just wanted to check out its soup-making features, but you're 5-1/2 whiskey sours in because you were watching the dog show - not the Westminster one, but the knockoff one that you can never remember the name of, & really, who cares what it's called, how did the goddamned beagle win again?! - & you like to drink while you watch people in ill-fitting formal attire but sensible sneakers who otherwise shouldn't be engaging in any quick movements swiftly parading superlatively manicured animals around a blue carpet that just has to reek of urine & dried cow hearts, & now you're impaired enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a machine called "The Bladerator XLX4" that in a million years you don't actually need,
than continue reading this retrograde trash.*
If that's you, Hopefully this site will provide some clever or entertaining content. Expect new posts sporadically, but only on Fridays.
But, if you don't find anything clever or entertaining -
even (especially?) in a crude, crass, or prurient sense -
on this site,
you're probably a child who should read the fourth** line of this screed again & then navigate away to a Disney-Channel star's Twitter page.
Or, you yourself are utterly incapable of Identifying & appreciating anything clever or entertaining,
& it's no wonder you're alone tonight, drunk & buying a $600 blender you'll only use four times.
Either way, if you're not satisfied, you & the next 50 million people who visit this site are entitled to
a full refund.
So, welcome & enjoy.
(*Which is not to say that every book ruined on this site is bad.
indeed, you're apt to find some true classics,
even books you loved as a child & now read to your progeny.
What's that saying about often hurting the ones we love?
Well, it's something like that.)
(**Seventh if you're using the mobile platform that sheila still hasn't weighed in on.)